All I knew is I woke up and my ass hurt.
All I knew is I woke up and my ass hurt.
At this time in my life, I was looking to sow some oats.
Before he found the law he was a Chippendales dancer.
Don't be a bitch about it. Shoot your shot.
Don't smoke in front of that Catholic family. Oh, God!
Everything okay? You look pretty different.
He lives in this god-forsaken wasteland called Cleveland.
Her breath smelled like cigarettes and beer, kind of like when Forrest Gump was kissing that stripper.
How long did they think he was alive before they realized he was dead?
I brought face masks for just that reason.
I come from one of those families that are beautiful and loving and incredibly fucked up.
I could be your best friend or I could really fuck up your plans.
I didn't really understand my hair, or my face, or my clothes, or basic human social cues.
I don't even understand how he makes pans.
If my penis was David Byrne, then the magnum was the oversized suit that he wore in Stop Making Sense.
I go in screaming, naked, everything's jiggling.
I got sick from kid cooties.
I grew up in a place called Loveland. That tells you everything you need to know about how hood and urban I am.
I know I met the devil.
I lacked the skills or douche-baggery to be that kind of a person.
I learned that way that negative six hundred is legal tender.
I'm waiting, on Pinterest, having a good-old time.
I put a mental turtleneck on myself.
I put on my Axe body spray and I went over to her apartment.
I stand and lean on something and try to look like I'm not a pervert.
It's a good time to go to prom. You get free chicken.
It's going to be me or shadow dude.
It still had the hat on when we put it in the hole.
I've never said the word 'bling' before, but that's what he was wearing.
I was pretty much a jumble of crises tied together with a penchant for cheap beer, cigarettes, and scrambled cable pornography.
I went down with my 0.22 and fired it in the air. You should have seen that boy get out of there.
I wish I could back in time and high five my high school self right now.
I would be scared of Tonya, too, if I were a ghost.
I would go red and start giggling, and I was talking about the Holocaust or semicolons.
Karma knew what I had done, and karma got me later.
Let's see how far this car can go and let's see how long this night can last.
My dad was a persistent guy. He wanted to get it in.
Oh, and our cat was dead at this point.
Okay, Gill's a midget.
OMG, we made it! Look at all the dead people. We're here.
Pillows aren't supposed to do that, but whatever.
She could just shake and everything would be cool.
She proceeded to mount me.
She's a lunatic, but of the best kind.
She's not crazy for seeing this. She's crazy for ten thousand other reasons.
Sometimes the best friends are the worst people to live with.
That's when I heard the gunshot.
The drool. It was terrible.
The grandfather lost his arm in a bar fight to a hatchet.
There are some videos of my time in college that really shouldn't circulate.
There were Smash Mouth posters everywhere.
There would be no fun time without the safe, snug security of a condom.
The same law of physics that allows a blanket to be a guard against monsters apparently can also keep you in your room when your drunk roommate is trying to make you drink more.
They started throwing dog treats at us because they're Florida fans.
They were strippers, but they were in nice dresses. It was very tasteful.
This is a tale about blatant sexual harrassment that was kind of awesome.
This was a thing you could say back then and be a legitimate adult.
We did things that adults sometimes do on occasion.
Well, I'm awake. I guess I'll just have mental conversations with my stuffed animals.
Well, shit. I guess we'll just see how this goes.
We're going to need to go to Jimmy John's first.
We were texting back and forth and I decided to get a little flirty.
Whatever you do, stay away from the windows.
You can stay up and masturbate to Lily Munster all you want.
You have big balls sitting in my section.
You're kind of weird, but we're weird too, so we accept you.