A squirrel story is that story you love to tell at parties.
It’s embarrassing. It’s goofy. It’s strange.
All I knew is I woke up and my ass hurt.
Aaron Tyree
At this time in my life, I was looking to sow some oats.
[Anonymous]
Before he found the law he was a Chippendales dancer.
Megan Steffen
Don't be a bitch about it. Shoot your shot.
Will Johnson
Don't smoke in front of that Catholic family. Oh, God!
Karla Weisenberger
Everything okay? You look pretty different.
Spencer Mapes
He lives in this god-forsaken wasteland called Cleveland.
Matt Franklin
Her breath smelled like cigarettes and beer, kind of like when Forrest Gump was kissing that stripper.
[Anonymous]
How long did they think he was alive before they realized he was dead?
Jesse Waits
I brought face masks for just that reason.
Karla Weisenberger
I come from one of those families that are beautiful and loving and incredibly fucked up.
Karla Weisenberger
I could be your best friend or I could really fuck up your plans.
Megan Steffen
I didn't really understand my hair, or my face, or my clothes, or basic human social cues.
Megan Steffen
I don't even understand how he makes pans.
Becky Blank
If my penis was David Byrne, then the magnum was the oversized suit that he wore in Stop Making Sense.
Aaron Tyree
I go in screaming, naked, everything's jiggling.
Aaron Tyree
I got sick from kid cooties.
Karla Weisenberger
I grew up in a place called Loveland. That tells you everything you need to know about how hood and urban I am.
Matt Franklin
I know I met the devil.
Spencer Mapes
I lacked the skills or douche-baggery to be that kind of a person.
Aaron Tyree
I learned that way that negative six hundred is legal tender.
Aaron Tyree
I'm waiting, on Pinterest, having a good-old time.
Karla Weisenberger
I put a mental turtleneck on myself.
[Anonymous]
I put on my Axe body spray and I went over to her apartment.
[Anonymous]
I stand and lean on something and try to look like I'm not a pervert.
Matt Franklin
It's a good time to go to prom. You get free chicken.
Megan Steffen
It's going to be me or shadow dude.
Aaron Tyree
It still had the hat on when we put it in the hole.
Jesse Waits
I've never said the word 'bling' before, but that's what he was wearing.
Matt Franklin
I was pretty much a jumble of crises tied together with a penchant for cheap beer, cigarettes, and scrambled cable pornography.
Aaron Tyree
I went down with my 0.22 and fired it in the air. You should have seen that boy get out of there.
Charlie Moore
I wish I could back in time and high five my high school self right now.
Will Johnson
I would be scared of Tonya, too, if I were a ghost.
Meaghan FitzGerald
I would go red and start giggling, and I was talking about the Holocaust or semicolons.
Megan Steffen
Karma knew what I had done, and karma got me later.
Katie Davis
Let's see how far this car can go and let's see how long this night can last.
Tim Fagel
My dad was a persistent guy. He wanted to get it in.
[Anonymous]
Oh, and our cat was dead at this point.
Meaghan FitzGerald
Okay, Gill's a midget.
Becky Blank
OMG, we made it! Look at all the dead people. We're here.
Matt Franklin
Pillows aren't supposed to do that, but whatever.
Spencer Mapes
She could just shake and everything would be cool.
Rob Sloan
She proceeded to mount me.
[Anonymous]
She's a lunatic, but of the best kind.
Meaghan FitzGerald
She's not crazy for seeing this. She's crazy for ten thousand other reasons.
Meaghan FitzGerald
Sometimes the best friends are the worst people to live with.
Aaron Tyree
That's when I heard the gunshot.
Charlie Moore
The drool. It was terrible.
Aaron Tyree
The grandfather lost his arm in a bar fight to a hatchet.
Charlie Moore
There are some videos of my time in college that really shouldn't circulate.
Matt Franklin
There were Smash Mouth posters everywhere.
Will Johnson
There would be no fun time without the safe, snug security of a condom.
Aaron Tyree
The same law of physics that allows a blanket to be a guard against monsters apparently can also keep you in your room when your drunk roommate is trying to make you drink more.
Aaron Tyree
They started throwing dog treats at us because they're Florida fans.
Drew Hayes
They were strippers, but they were in nice dresses. It was very tasteful.
Matt Franklin
This is a tale about blatant sexual harrassment that was kind of awesome.
Megan Steffen
This was a thing you could say back then and be a legitimate adult.
Will Johnson
We did things that adults sometimes do on occasion.
Will Johnson
Well, I'm awake. I guess I'll just have mental conversations with my stuffed animals.
[Anonymous]
Well, shit. I guess we'll just see how this goes.
Spencer Mapes
We're going to need to go to Jimmy John's first.
Katie Davis
We were texting back and forth and I decided to get a little flirty.
[Anonymous]
Whatever you do, stay away from the windows.
Charlie Moore
You can stay up and masturbate to Lily Munster all you want.
Aaron Tyree
You have big balls sitting in my section.
Matt Franklin
You're kind of weird, but we're weird too, so we accept you.
Meaghan FitzGerald
View All QuotesWhat's your Squirrel Story?
Everyone has that one embarrassing, goofy, or totally strange story they love to share at parties.
Share Your Story
Déjà vu is such a unique feeling, isn’t it? We can be absolutely certain we’ve been a place and done a thing when there’s no real evidence to support it. In this episode we have two déjà vu stories, one intentional and the other accidental.
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The third and final week of The Stiffies features a dead (and stiff) horse along with a man and his quest to equip himself with a Magnum condom.
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